Empathy or people-pleasing? When does it become too much of a good thing?

All leaders, but especially those who seek to lead change in their organisations must simultaneously be determined, flexible, and empathetic. However, because these leadership patterns operate in tension with one another, an over-emphasis of empathy (or flexibility or determination) will have us getting in our own way.

I spent 2023 reading, thinking, and writing about congregational change for a Master’s thesis. I conducted case studies of three congregations and 39 participants who had undergone recent changes. I then collated this data and asked which of dozens of organisational and, specifically, congregational change theories best explained the patterns I had observed.

Of the theories and models I examined, Noel Pearse's Effective and Ineffective Leadership Patterns best explained the actions of my change leaders. Pearse is a South African researcher who developed his model to explain the activity of church leaders attempting to transition their churches from traditional to cell-based models.

Empathy is so obviously a key leadership trait that it almost needs no explanation. Whether the leader is running a school, a small business, or an entire nation-state, empathetic leaders gain the trust of their congregants/employees/citizens/co-workers when they take an interest in their lives. Followers feel valued and respected when leaders listen to their challenges and give credence to their feelings.

In a context of organisational change, where people’s sense of collective identity is threatened, and given peoples’ predictable response to change, empathetic leadership is more important than ever.

Pearse calls the empathetic leader the Reflexive Accommodator. Reflexive, meaning they are carefully observing people’s concerns and anxiety levels, and Accommodator refers to the leader's willingness to slow down the pace of change in order to accommodate the followers’ needs.

He writes, “Successfully negotiating this change involved on the one hand, steering the church in the new direction and allaying members concerns on the other. The leader has to manage the delicate balance between pushing ahead with change and thereby compelling the church to fulfill its perceived purpose and slowing down the pace of change to accommodate member’s needs.”[1]

But what happens if there is too much empathy? Pearse calls the excessively empathetic leader the Popular People Pleaser. The PPP looks very similar to the Reflexive Accommodator; they, too, are listening, giving credence to feelings, and accommodating.

Pearse’s effective and ineffective leadership patterns

But the Popular People Pleaser is an ineffective leadership pattern. Change inevitably affects the community's sense of itself, causing levels of anxiety and sometimes strong emotions. The PPP, conflict averse, and crushingly aware of the ways in which necessary changes are disappointing people, slows the pace of change until the change initiative loses all momentum.

Pearse’s patterns give language to the leadership weaknesses each of us carries. There simply isn’t a leader who is equally and simultaneously determined, empathetic, and flexible. Our personalities, under stress, will inevitably be pulled towards the excess of one of the three patterns.

If, on a bad day, you know you turn into a Popular People Pleaser, great. Awareness is the first step towards growth. You don’t have to stay that way. We begin by noticing what we’ve done after the fact. More self-learning, and we spot ourselves doing it in the moment. Even more, we can spot it coming and choose to lean into the counterintuitive feeling of allowing people to feel disappointed.

This self-awareness and internal work is usually a team sport; it’s pretty hard to be the one to call yourself out when it’s yourself that’s getting in the way of your goals. Find an accountability partner, professional coach, or supervisor you trust. Tell them what you’ve discovered about yourself and ask them to journey with you as you grow.

[1] Pearse, Noel J. “Effective Strategic Leadership: Balancing Roles during Church Transitions.” Hervormde Teologiese Studies 67, no. 2 (2011): 63–69.